Mature Women Boudoir – Helena

Introducing one of our lovely ladies from the  40 over 40 project!

 WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION?

As you will see in the questions that follow, I am not currently able to work. In the past, however, I have held a number of different positions. My secretarial qualifications have given me the opportunity to work in a wide variety of fields, ranging from Shipping to Healthcare – both NHS and private – and Solicitors to Transport. The latter involved setting up an office from scratch and managing it. I have also held several teaching positions in both State and Private schools (I’m a qualified Montessori teacher), and latterly I worked for the local district council, firstly in their Environmental Health/Licensing Department, then within Accounts, initially in Receivable – chasing debtors for payment – then transferred to Accounts Payable. Nowadays I still help out during elections, counting postal votes in the days beforehand, then doing the main overnight count on election night itself.

HOW OLD ARE YOU – AND WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING YOUR AGE?

I’m currently 63, but will be 64 by the Exhibition. The best thing? Being post menopausal yet realising I can still feel amazing, just as feminine as ever and, as proven by this project, rediscovering there’s still that little bit of minxy naughtiness smouldering within!!

WHAT HARDSHIPS HAVE YOU ENDURED THAT YOU FEEL HAVE MADE YOU FEEL STRONGER?

Over the years I have faced many challenges. When I was 12 my mum had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalised for a while. Being the eldest child, I had to take over the cooking and cleaning at home. I’d get back from school, do some homework, then start cooking for the three of us (my dad, younger sister and me), then at weekends I’d do the hoovering, dusting and so on. When I was 13 my parents got me a place at a boarding school where I stayed for a year. It gave mum less to look after. I didn’t really fit into the early teen vibe there as I was way more mature than the others, so I did feel rather uncomfortable and isolated at times. I was ‘stuck’ there though, so I had to find a way of fitting in. Being more mature, and having those caring qualities, I became a bit of a motherly/agony aunt figure. My peers would chat with me, knowing I would listen without being judgmental. I was also known as a ‘boff’ because I was in the top set, so I’d be asked to help with homework too, although I wouldn’t do it for them, I’d work through it with them. It was nice to find my place within my community there, and feel accepted on that level, but I received nothing in return. No-one was there for me.

Moving on into adulthood my first marriage didn’t last very long. I left the family home and moved to London. His job came with accommodation so that was a great perk, especially when we were able to move into a newly refurbished detached house in Regents Park! In the meantime my parents sold the family home and moved to Wales. After a while I had been feeling the strain of the relationship, so went to stay with a friend for a week in Spain. When I got back I couldn’t get into the house – the locks had been changed. This was before mobile phones so I had to wait until I knew he’d be back at the house. In the meantime I went to my workplace, suitcase in tow. Of course everyone was surprised to see me. So, after sitting it out at work, I had to make my way back through the park to face whatever reception I was literally walking into. He was there and let me in. The front door opened straight into the lounge. The whole room had been changed throughout. The beautiful wall paper had been painted over, none of my pictures or ornaments were to be seen, and the furniture had been completely repositioned. Again, when I got upstairs everything had been rearranged. He had moved into the second bedroom which now had a lock on it. He had also moved the phone into that room, so that too was locked away. Bearing in mind this was before mobile phones, it isolated me completely. Sometimes it would ring when he wasn’t there, and I found that agonising. It could have been my family or a friend trying to contact me! That’s when I saw all my belongings had been boxed up and put in the small box room. I was ‘allowed’ to stay for a couple of weeks while I looked for somewhere else to live. I was the one who had to leave, as the property was tied to HIS job. I couldn’t go back home to my parents, not even to Wales, because their cottage was halfway up a mountain in the middle of nowhere. I couldn’t drive in those days, so would stand no chance of either finding or securing a job. One of my managers at work knew a lady who lived near him who had been talking of possibly having a lodger, but not within the two weeks I’d been granted, so I was being threatened with having everything thrown out of the property onto the street. It was so stressful. They weren’t in the way. Anyway, I toughed it out and eventually the day came, a colleague hired a van and that was the end of that particular chapter.

A succession of renting rooms ensued and I became more and more run down, until I came down with shingles. The landlady didn’t like the fact I wasn’t at work for several weeks. In the end my dad came up from Sussex and took me back there to convalesce. Whilst there he helped me look for somewhere of my own, apply for a mortgage etc. and he helped with the deposit. I wanted to live in the area where I was brought up, so we looked at properties in Epsom, Surrey. It needed to be within reasonable walking distance from the station, and we found a first floor maisonette. I settled in quickly and all was well again.

Further down the line I remarried and we realised that, as we were planning to start a family, we would need larger accommodation. Finding anything local was well out of our price range, so we looked further afield. That’s what brought us to Spalding. We could afford a 3 bedroom detached house for the same price as my maisonette in Epsom! We both still commuted to London for our jobs for a considerable time, then eventually I was able to find a job locally. It took a long time for me to finally conceive, then sadly I lost my little baby girl. I was grief stricken and had to endure an inordinate amount of tests in the aftermath that followed. Three years after that I was given the all clear to try again, all be it with immediate medical intervention, having to inject myself every day with anticoagulants. This time I had success, although 10 weeks earlier than expected, and had my beautiful baby boy. He only weighed 3lb 13oz so had to stay in Intensive Care in Peterborough for a couple of months, meaning I had to take my expressed milk over every day. Once he reached his goal weight the two of us were able to transfer to the maternity ward at our local hospital, where we had to stay until he was able to breathe unaided. It was here that the grandparents had their first opportunity to meet their first grandson.

Further to the loss of my daughter, I had to remain in hospital for a few days because I picked up an infection, and then when I was discharged, I was simply handed a leaflet on Miscarriage! A few weeks later I was contacted by the GP surgery, wanting to offer me Antenatal classes! There were no words ….. For years I wondered what had become of my little girl. It wasn’t until a friend of mine suffered a similar loss, that she was told about the charity SANDS. She asked if I would go to the local support group with her. She didn’t know about my loss at that stage – it had happened before I had met her. Over the weeks I realised that these get togethers were actually touching on many areas that I had been struggling with. I was able to talk to one of the organisers who found my story unbelievable. They offered, there and then, to investigate what had become of my little girl. They also wanted my assurances that I would be able to cope with the news, good or bad, if and when details became available. I confirmed I would – it had been the not knowing that had been eating away at me. Several months later, after I had stopped attending the regular meetings, they contacted me saying they had received a letter with the findings of the search. We met up and they passed me the envelope. They asked if I wanted to be on my own to read the contents. I declined. I wanted someone to be there for this incredible moment! I read the paperwork but I couldn’t understand it all, or take much of it in. I passed it to the SANDS lady who was able to make sense of it for me. Apparently my little girl had been cremated and her ashes had been interred in a memorial garden which I think was in Nottinghamshire but, rather more controversially, parts of her body tissue had been retained in blocks and slides as part of the Alderhay project. Then, the revelation that they still existed! SANDS were able to track them down and get permission to have them released so that I could finally have closure. A velvet pouch containing her few remains were couriered over to local undertaker. They asked if I would like to see them. I couldn’t bring myself to do that, so I asked them to put the pouch straight into the coffin, along with a few little special items I had taken in. I had to believe that it was her in the coffin as it should have been, not just pieces of tissue. There was also the unenviable task of telling my two little boys that they had had an older sister. The funeral was very surreal, with just two of my friends attending, but I was able to read my poem out and say goodbye. She is buried in the local cemetery so I can visit whenever I like now.

I didn’t want my first son to be an only child, so we tried again. The GP said to me, and I quote, “You are either very brave, or very stupid“. Make of that what you will! Same daily injections but this time I went into labour 11 weeks early, and baby was in a breach position, so I had to have an emergency caesarean. Born in the October it was another little boy, but he was so tiny at 3lb 2.5oz. He was such a little fighter but he became seriously ill and needed specialist one to one care, so he had to be taken to Leicester Royal Infirmary in an emergency ambulance. There was no room in the ambulance for me as there was already a consultant and nurse on board, so I had to wait until my husband finished work before we were able to head over. We had never been to Leicester before, so the journey in itself was rather daunting, one way systems etc, especially in the dark. When we got to the Special Care Baby Unit we were shown into a side room. I couldn’t even recognise my own son, spread-eagled on a platform that just looked like a slab. It was so much bigger than his poor tiny body, and he was attached to a mass of wires and tubes, surrounded by banks of monitors, screens beeping, and alarms ringing. He had been put into an induced coma to save his body from using unnecessary energy to fight his condition – yet to be determined – and his whole body had ballooned, even his beautiful little face. They needed to rule out meningitis. I stayed in the hospital 24/7, having to sleep in the waiting room overnight (not that I was able to sleep much). It was a living nightmare, he was so poorly and wasn’t responding to any treatment they were trying, then one night he stopped breathing. By some miracle they were eventually able to revive him, and he fought on. In the meantime I was feeling unwell and the nurses advised me to go downstairs to A&E. After a very long wait in a corridor I was finally examined and was diagnosed as having appendicitis. I had to wait until the following morning before a bed on a ward was available, then by the end of the afternoon I was having it removed. The next day I was told that someone would be along to take me to see my little boy, but I waited for hours and no-one came. I ended up getting myself out of bed, walking very slowly and gently out of the ward, along the corridor holding onto the handrail, and into the lift. I found my way to the Special Care Baby Unit and they couldn’t believe I had walked all that way. I was able to see my little one, express some more milk for him, then they arranged for a porter to bring a wheelchair and take me back to my ward.

In the end he was diagnosed with bronchiolitis, fluid on the lungs. Being so premature, his little lungs hadn’t even developed fully yet, so that’s why his condition was so serious. We were eventually allowed to transfer back to Peterborough on Christmas Eve, and this time I could go in the ambulance with him. We were both admitted to a side room alongside the children’s ward, where we stayed until he put some more weight on and was able to breathe unaided. It was so lovely to get back there, because that meant I could at least be taken back to my home on Christmas Day for a few hours to see my other son who I hadn’t seen in all that time. He was still under 2 years old. We eventually brought my baby boy home on his actual due date! Incredible!

There were a few developmental issues with him including being partially deaf in his left ear. I was told that, given what he had been through before he should have even been born, it could well have interfered with some of his development. Some things were apparent very early on, then when he started talking he had a lisp. It wasn’t until he started school that other more complex things manifested themselves. I had so many meetings at school about his behaviour, but they just told me to see our GP, then I’d go there and they’d say that school should have interventions to deal with these matters. I was just being pushed from pillar to post for so long. My marriage broke down and my husband left. It took me four years of fighting to finally get a referral to a Paediatric specialist, based in Grantham. After several assessment visits, we finally got the Autism diagnosis – such a victory for me – and all this whilst a single parent and still working full time! It all took its toll though, and I started suffering with my mental health which unfortunately led to me having to leave my job on health grounds. Then, when at my absolute lowest, I had great difficulties struggling to negotiate my way through the Benefits process. I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression and had to medicate accordingly, but still had to keep it all together the best I could for the boys.

The next major blow was when my eldest son went to London to take up his scholarship place at LAMDA to pursue his dream of a career in Theatre. I had mentally prepared myself for him leaving, but then a week or so later, without any discussion or warning, my ex removed my younger son and took him to live with him. I was too weak to fight. All of a sudden I had gone from being a mum, to being nothing. The divorce had been protracted by his solicitor over seven years by then so, now the boys had gone, I had no dependents living with me when it came to the settlement. My dear mum, who I was very close to, died shortly after this which was a huge shock and loss for me, especially when the news of her passing was sent via a text! It was thanks to the money she left me in her will that I was able to pay off the mortgage, otherwise I would have lost my home. Very bitter sweet.

More recently I was very surprised to be diagnosed with breast cancer following a routine mammogram in October 2023, and I had the required surgery in December 2023. I then needed a course of radiotherapy which concluded on 14 February 2024, so that really was a very happy Valentines Day, all be it rather a weary one. I’m now on a course of tablets for five years to suppress oestrogen levels, reducing the environment where cancer cells like to grow. Of course there are side effects, but I’d rather contend with them than risk further cancer/procedures.

Since then, fortunately after my photo shoot, I had a nasty fall which resulted in a broken collar bone. I’ve been unable to wash or dress myself fully since October 2024, and I had to have carers to help me. I found that quite difficult to come to terms with, and really very emotional – had it really come to this! Anyway, I’m past that now, and I no longer need to wear the sling, but I have very limited movement in my arm, and my shoulder can still feel quite painful. Again this left me feeling very isolated, being unable to drive, so I’m just having to soldier on as ever.

So, as far as enduring hardships goes, I feel I’ve had my fair share! However, no matter what Life has thrown at me, I’ve just taken it on the chin, brushed myself off and come through it. Yes, I’ve really struggled with certain scenarios, but I’ve always persevered, especially when I’ve had to deal with difficulties involving medical issues and liaising with solicitors! I have used my downtime to ride through the storms and tempests, and I’ve definitely gone under a few times too, but incredibly I HAVE come through the other side! What’s more, and most importantly of all, I STILL have my smile!

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER IS YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT? 

100% becoming a mum! I was in my thirties, still single, no relationship on the horizon, and beginning to think I’d never have a family. Then a chance meeting with a friend I hadn’t seen for years led to a blind date with one of his friends. It all went rather well and a year or so later we married. Unfortunately however it took almost two years for me to fall pregnant, and then when I did, I became quite poorly. A Deep Vein Thrombosis developed in one of my legs, then it got serious when part of that clot broke away and travelled through my heart and lodged in my lungs. I was hospitalised with the Pulmonary Embolism, and became unconscious. I was in intensive care for a couple of days before I came to, then a few days more until they were happy with my blood tests. I was even allowed home, but a few days later I was rushed to hospital again, and at just over 23 weeks I lost my much longed for baby. I had been admitted onto the Gynaecological Ward, not Maternity, and I was sent for a scan which hadn’t shown anything untoward. Sadly it was later that evening when things started to go wrong. The staff on the Gynae Ward weren’t equipped to help me. They didn’t use gas and air on that ward so would need special permission to source/use it, but they couldn’t find a registrar to assess the situation and give that all important permission for the necessary medical assistance I needed. I ended up delivering my precious baby whilst stuck on a bed pan! The baby was alive during delivery and it was whisked away in the aforementioned bed pan! Initially I was told I’d had a little boy, and they asked if I wanted to see him. They brought in this little bundle wrapped up in a blue blanket and, as they passed it over, they apologised and pointed out that it was in fact a girl! My head was swimming, my emotions were tangled, and my hormones were racing all over the place. I asked for the chaplain because I wanted her to be christened. We gave her the name we had chosen in the event we had a girl. I wanted her existence to be acknowledged. She may have only lived for a few fleeting moments, but she did exist. The hospital said that they would have to send her away for tests, so we passed her back, still wrapped in the blue blanket. Having to come home without her was absolutely awful. Worse was still to follow. I had kept my boss at work informed of the situation and had arranged to go back part time initially, but when I went back, he clearly hadn’t passed the information along to all the staff. One of the engineers came bowling into the office and commented how I didn’t look very pregnant and asked if I’d had the baby! However, the most difficult situation for me to cope with there, was that my colleague who I shared the office with had fallen pregnant just a couple of weeks after me, and there she was still happily pregnant. People would come into the office and chat about baby related things. I found it too much to bear so I started to look for another job. When the post mortem results eventually came back there had been nothing obvious to suggest what caused the loss. I was told not to try for another baby until I’d had various tests. They eventually revealed that I had a blood disorder which made me prone to clotting, and that any future pregnancy would have to be monitored very closely and involve having to inject myself every day with heparin to help prevent further blood clots. I was prepared to take that risk as I didn’t want any ‘what ifs’ further down the line and end up childless. So, three years later, all be it another premature appearance at 10 weeks early weighing in at 3lb 13oz, I had a beautiful baby boy! Finally I was a mummy, just before my 38th birthday – my dream had finally come true! It had been a long, challenging journey, but I had to keep believing that I could manage to bring a new life into my world.

WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS? 

Being with those who mean the most to me.

WHAT DO YOU TREASURE MOST?

That depends on the viewpoint.

In the here and now, having been through my recent health scare, I treasure each day the most! It really does put things into perspective – tomorrow is not a given. I’m currently on medication which should keep me cancer free for the next five years, so I’m planning to make the most of that time. Health permitting, I’m looking forward to days out and new experiences with my partner, friends and family.

Then, having the ability to look back on precious memories, I also treasure my photograph collection very highly. From an early age I have taken photos. My first camera was given to me by my parents for being a brave girl when I had my tonsils and adenoids out! It was just a little camera that took square, black and white images, but I loved it. Since then I’ve owned a succession of cameras, recording family and friends, pets, holidays and so on. Technology has progressed, and now phones have decent cameras, so I tend to use those these days. When the boys were born, I would take photos most days because they were so premature in intensive care, I didn’t know whether they were going to survive. Once they were eventually home I continued taking regular photos, it was like keeping a diary, only in pictures. I have albums full of their childhood, the places we visited, and the people we shared experiences with along the way. The boys may be gone from the family home, but these pictures remain here with me, and help keep the happy times from the past alive.

WHAT’S LEFT ON YOUR BUCKET LIST?

At the top of my list has to be another cruise. I have been on mini taster cruises in the past when my eldest son was performing on board with his dance troupe, but now I would like to enjoy the relaxing environment and full on-board experience, without the demands of show and rehearsal schedules! My partner has never been on a cruise, so I’d love to introduce him to a whole new world of life on the ocean waves. Any opportunity to travel would be lovely though, be it within the UK or abroad.

Another entry on my list is to take a helicopter flight. I was due to make one when I visited my cousin who lived in California at the time. He took me on a grand tour of that part of the States and up into Canada, visiting places such as Yosemite, Vancouver, Hoover Dam and Las Vegas, but my favourite area was the Grand Canyon. We arrived late in the afternoon, so he booked to take a flight over the canyon for the following morning. Unfortunately the weather began to change, and by the time our allocated ‘window’ arrived, there was a sandstorm blasting it’s way throughout the entire area. We were told that there would be no flights that day, so we had to leave to continue our tour, minus the experience.

I would also love to swim with dolphins. There is something about them that is so calming and serene. They seem to make a connection with the people they meet. I just think it would be such an amazing experience.

This photo shoot!! I’ve had to get used to managing with not much money, especially in my latter years, so I’ve never really allowed myself to be extravagant. I have treated myself to a few coach trips with days out and theatre shows, but that’s about as decadent as I’ve been. However, when I saw this advertised, and discovered I could spread the payments, I had to have this experience!!!

It was something I could do for me, a bit of pampering culminating in a professional photoshoot, whilst raising money for a very worthwhile cause which is understandably very close to my heart given my recent health challenges. To me it celebrates the fact that, in spite of all the negative things I’ve suffered in my life, I now have the evidence to prove how I have overcome it all, and have emerged as the stronger, positive person you see today! I will continue to have bad days from time to time, its just the nature of the beast, but all I will need to do from now on is look at this image and see the real me that surfaced during this process. It will remind me how I felt during our session, and reinforce how that person is still there. I’ve never treated myself to anything like this before, but I’m so glad I did!!

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF? 

The way I feel about myself. All I see is someone who has had lots of bad things to contend with. I can remember exactly how each set- back made me feel. Others, however, see me as strong and positive, which is the persona I portray, and I know I’ve had to be to get through all the trials and tribulations, but it has been at a high price with my mental health, and that’s the side that I try to keep hidden. I do still have to persevere with challenging situations from time to time and, even though I may feel at my lowest ebb, I always seem to get the strength from somewhere. It’s funny though, because I always find it easier to help someone fight their cause, than to do something for myself. This photo shoot was completely about ME. It brought back a snapshot – pun absolutely intended – of how I was before all the troubles, and I was able to escape reality even if just for a little while.

WHAT IS A TRAIT YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF? 

I really had to think hard about this one – I’ve never had to consider this before! I think its probably my ability to help people who are struggling. I generally find it easy to talk to others. More than that though, I always try to show an interest in them, and what they are saying, which I hope makes them feel valued. I’m a very good listener, and I’ve been able to put this into practice by training as a Mental Health First Aider, and volunteering at a local mental health and wellbeing charity. I find helping people talk through their problems can be very rewarding, particularly when the broken person who came in through the door literally transforms before my eyes. You can actually see the weight of the problem lifting, and they leave feeling better about themselves and/or their situation – sometimes even with a smile. I always have time for people in difficulty. Sometimes it may only be a matter of sitting and listening, they just need to get something off their chest, but in some situations where more specialised advice is needed, I can at least signpost them to a relevant organisation, group or Citizens Advice. Sometimes I have even gone with them. So yes, I’m proud of the fact that people find me approachable, feel they can confide in me without the fear of being judged, and hopefully feel better having had the chat.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?

Being isolated and alone in old age. When both my boys left home it felt like the end of my world. The family I so dearly wanted, and went through so much to have, just vanished. So, when my time comes, will I be on my own? That’s my greatest fear of all.

WHAT DO YOU MOST VALUE IN YOUR FRIENDS? 

Their company, and being able to be our true selves with each other – no pretences or treading on egg shells.

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF? 

You ARE good enough!! Have confidence in yourself. Get out there, live your best life. Don’t hide away thinking everyone is better than you.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO OR FAVOURITE QUOTE? 

You have within you, right now, everything you need to deal with whatever the world can throw at you.

AND FINALLY…..HOW DID YOU FEEL AFTER YOUR 40 over 40 BOUDOIR SHOOT?

A million dollars!!! I felt excited and exhilarated, and so moved to have felt, even just for those couple of hours, as I used to in my prime. The whole experience was worth it’s weight in gold!