50 over 50 Project ~ Chapter Two ~ No. 6 -Diana Age 57

WHAT IS YOUR OCCUPATION? I am a single mum who is an Avon rep, dinner lady at school, a carer/ cleaner for an old lady in the village.

WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT BEING YOUR AGE? Being a mum to three beautiful daughters and a nannie to 3 gorgeous grandchildren.

WHAT HARDSHIPS HAVE YOU ENDURED THAT YOU FEEL HAVE MADE YOU FEEL STRONGER? I was born in Malta, my mother was Maltese and dad was from Coventry. I was an only child living above the pub my parents ran. It was very lonely and isolated growing up and I found it hard to make friends because I spent so much of my time alone. I was sent to my grandparents at weekends to be with my cousins and took out to play in fields or by the sea. As I got older and went to secondary school I made a few friends but was behind socially. I felt awkward and dorky. As I started developing my dad used to try run his hand up my legs or grab my boobs and when I told him to stop his answer was that he was teaching me how to stop boys from doing it but it made me feel very uncomfortable. I only realised that this was a form of abuse when I spoke about it recently to my cousin who was sexually abused worse than myself by her father, my dad’s brother. In those days we never heard of such things. we believed what our fathers told us. No wonder I used to cringe every time my dad gave me a kiss on my cheek or forehead when it was birthdays, Christmas or did well at school. He did not really show affection as such. I didn’t get cuddles or show any type of affection.

When I was 17 I moved over to the UK to work for a family as a nanny. I couldn’t get away quick enough. Then I got married too young, age 20, too quick when both of us were unsure we still felt the same as when we were 16 but still went ahead with a cheap wedding as we had no money saved up. Then a month before the wedding we found out I was pregnant. We were both very happy with the news. We had our first daughter and my husband didn’t have a job but did bits here and there. We lived in a small flat that only had a coal fire to keep it all warm. Because we were on benefits we had to ask the council for help and we were given 3 thermal blankets, 3 flat sheets, a divan base and cheap mattress. When we woke up in the mornings the blankets had beads of condensation on top because the flat was so cold with single glaze metal windows.

We bought an electric wall mounted radiator when baby was born to make sure she was warm and snug. She suffered with colic and was screaming for hours and only napping for about an hour when she was exhausted before she would start again. I tried everything to try and help relieve her pain but nothing seemed to work and I had no one to help and give me a break as my parents lived in Malta, his parents never came to visit and he was nearly always out somewhere. Three months later I fell pregnant again and it came as a shock because I was on the pill but I accepted it and we had another daughter and thankfully she was a better sleeper and went down for 4 hours at a time which gave me time to spend with my first born playing, teaching etc. I was always on my own and struggled mentally because I never knew were my husband was or when he’d be home.

As the girls got older my husband wanted to move back to Malta and he used me as an excuse that I needed to be near my family which was a nice thought but considering that my parents did not like him and he knew it I knew that there would be arguments and falling out. I worked for my parents in the pub, preparing food before opening and cleaning in the mornings until my husband and I started doing gigs in local pubs, hotels and restaurants.

The girls used to go and stay with my parents at weekends and had a sitter during the week. My father used to ‘joke’ with the girls telling them that daddy was blind, deaf, daft and stupid which I told him to stop doing and keep his opinions to himself and that the girls will make their own minds up when they are older and that he is their dad after all. Eventually I had a huge argument with dad and told him I would stop the kids from seeing them because it wasn’t helping me, my marriage or my mental health. My parents used to sneak around and meet the girls after their after school lessons as they used to walk to them in the village by themselves as they were then older. They even gave them presents which they told them to keep secret!

When I found out I told them that they were teaching the kids to hide and lie to their parents when instead they should have talked to me and try come to some sort of agreement. They told me that they were going to see a lawyer to get custody of the girls as we were unfit parents! My husband had an operation in his ear that left him struggling to keep his balance but still could drive down to see his friends and when her husband was away he still visited her alone and other times take the girls and take them all to the beach while I was working 3 different jobs to keep the family going. When I went down on the odd occasion I noticed how she would flirt with him, brush herself against him, constantly on the phone to each other but not when her husband was home. I asked him to stop going to visit her on his own and he told me that she was his friend and he will do as he likes. Needless to say that did not help our relationship. When we were still doing gigs before his operation, a friend joined us to make a trio and he used to flirt with me and pay me compliments which make me feel good about myself again as my husband was ignoring me in our daily lives but when on stage he’d pass sarcastic remarks in my direction which the audience thought it was a joke but I knew he meant it.

We decided to move back to the UK but I had to work my notice on my 3 jobs so we decided that he would take the girls over, get them registered in school etc and that he would come back and help with the packing etc. He told me that the flight caused him excruciating pain in his ear so I told him not to bother and I will work my notice and get the packing done etc and join them when everything is done. I had to do a month’s notice on one job and joined them within a couple of months. After getting ourselves a house and settling in we started gigging again which I loved as it got me out the house, socialised with people and enjoyed watching them enjoy what we had to offer. Needless to say it didn’t improve our relationship and the comments started again.

Once our daughters left home to do their own thing , he used to go round the pub to meet up with a load of youngsters and their parents and come home late. He took a young girl under his wing and took her everywhere he went. She developed a crush on him and a couple of times when I came home from work I’d walk in to find her sitting on his knee at 12- 14 yrs of age. I told him he shouldn’t be doing that because he was giving her the wrong impression but he said he will do what he wants and that I was only jealous. I asked him if I could go with him one night and he said that he wouldn’t be seen dead with me.

At the end of 2010 after a new year’s eve gig in Scotland I told him I want a divorce and he laughed at me and said I’ve asked him that before but didn’t go ahead with it and besides who would put up with me. I applied for the divorce and moved to Lincolnshire in May 2011 and moved in with my new partner who I was 14 years older than. I was concerned because of the age gap but he assured me that age is only a number. We were very happy and we had our daughter in July 2012. We got married in 2015 which is when we got my dad to move over to the UK to live with us as he wasn’t coping very well after my mum passed away in 2010.

In 2018 my husband told me he needed some space which I didn’t think much of because having dad live with us was not easy, even though my husband was the one who insisted to bring him over. My husband was coming home from work to have dinner with us and going back to work and not coming home till all hours and when he did he was quiet, moody, tired which I put it down to him starting his business and not actually making a profit yet. I encouraged him to ask his friend to see if he could go and stay with him for a while for him to get some peace from dad.

He eventually did and after a while told me he was moving in with another friend who had 3 kids of his own and his father lived in a caravan in the garden. He used to come home to eat with us, put Abbie to bed and leave. Before Christmas he told me that a woman asked him to go out for a drink with her and a couple of weeks later I asked him if he was still seeing her and he said he was which really got to me. Finally I told him how I felt and that we weren’t together as a family, husband and wife and told him to stay away until he makes his mind up what he was going to do and I told Abbie that daddy was working away from home but she could phone him to say goodnight at bedtimes.

Then lockdown came and he told me that his friend asked him to move out so I told him he could come home until he finds somewhere to stay but he informed me that he was moving in with the woman he was seeing. I phoned his friend for a chat and found out that they both had been lying to me and that he’d been living with this woman since he left us. Talk about a punch in the gut and the feeling of having your heart ripped out. I broke down and had to go on anti depressants which I am still on.

I applied for a divorce and concentrated on looking after my dad who’s health was deteriorating and dementia getting worse and our beautiful daughter who was 7 then. Lockdown was another challenge because we couldn’t go out for 6 months as my dad was on the extremely vulnerable list and home schooling was a nightmare. Abbie developed a few problems, anger, frustration, temper, throwing things, verbal abuse which I understood as she had also gone through a lot and being locked away was the last straw.

We had counselling sessions through emails and phone calls which she refused to do so I would get the work via email, worked through it with Abbie, send the answers back and again the same for 6 weeks. I was a key worker at school for lunch duties so I used to take her to school as her break from home schooling to have her lunch and play with other kids. She improved a little and then getting back to school was difficult. My dad passed away 23rd May 2021 which was another person out of her life so she started struggling again especially when my arthritis got severe and had to stop work in April 2022. 

I had my full hip replacement on 20th January2023 –  which was difficult for both of us especially when I was withdrawing off my medication which was horrible for her to see me in such a state, looking after me and cooking for herself. I don’t know what I would have done without her and my older daughter who lives locally taking me for appointments, my op to Peterborough when she has her own kids and work to go to.

I have felt so alone and isolated for the past year unable to go out but the photo shoot helped so thankyou to Sharon and Katie for the wonderful work you do. xx

 

WHAT DO YOU CONSIDER IS YOUR GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT? My greatest achievement is having my daughters and watching them grow into beautiful women.

WHAT IS YOUR IDEA OF PERFECT HAPPINESS? I love family get togethers but I wouldn’t say no to a holiday lying in the sun listening to the waves hitting the shore.

WHAT IS YOUR MOST TREASURED POSSESSION? I don’t really have one as I possessions are material objects and the most thing I treasure is my family.

WHAT’S LEFT ON YOUR BUCKET LIST? A hell of a lot more travelling.
Go and visit my cousin in Knoxville Tennessee who I haven’t seen in about 25 years or so. Go to the Grande canyon, Niagara falls, route 66, Disney land because I’ve always wanted to go there as a kid. New York, Miami, Hawaii, Mexico, Mauritius, Barbados, Bahamas, Asia, anywhere as I like to see how other people live and taste all the wonderful local food. Abseiling, go on a cruise, go to Paris to see and go up the Eifel Tower because my 10 Yr old wants to see it as well 😂
I would like to walk over the Millennium dome which I need to be fit to do.

WHAT WAS YOUR GREATEST EXTRAVAGANCE? Haha, That’s easy, the boudoir photoshoot.

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOURSELF? To stop being negative about myself.

WHAT IS A TRAIT YOU ARE MOST PROUD OF? I’m proud to say that I am always there to help anyone in need if I am able to. Everyone knows my door is always open for family, friends, work colleagues, my avon customers and anyone who needs to take a load off, a meal, cuppa or somewhere to stay if the need be.

WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR? Dying and leaving my youngest without a mum and not seeing her grow up as well as my grandkids.

WHAT DO YOU MOST VALUE IN YOUR FRIENDS? Honesty

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE YOUR YOUNGER SELF? To go experience life before settling down.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO OR FAVOURITE QUOTE? Life’s too short, get on with it.

 

 

Music by Audionautix.com